One year ago today was a Friday. It was about 6 and he called me, he hardly ever called we usually just texted. I was gearing up for another evening home alone, I was so excited when he called, so happy to hear his voice. He sounded good, better than he had in a while. He wanted to come see me, he was about to leave his house and head my way. Total surprise. I was so surprised, so excited so stupidly thrilled. I ran around the house cleaning up, changing sheets, vacuuming, getting dressed. When he got here he came in and we chatted for a bit and he wanted to get something to eat so we went out, he was perfectly nice until we got to the restaurant, then he got snarky when I ordered my steak ‘well’ hurt my feelings a little bit, but we moved on, sat down had a good dinner, talked about stuff, everything seemed so normal. We get back to my place and he is sitting on my sofa and I sit down and pick up my laptop, and he turns and says “I want to break up” I remember that moment more clearly than almost any other in my life. I looked at him in shock, “are you serious” and he laughed and said “you had to see this coming”. No I didn’t see this coming, for months I had been asking you if things we ok, if we were ok, why aren’t you texting me back? why aren’t you saying I love you anymore? why are you cancelling on me for everything? I gave you tons of opportunities to do this, tons. But a month prior you went on my FB wall and wrote “Happy Birthday, I love you, you are amazing” so no, no I didn’t see this coming.
I hurt so much. Everyone keeps saying it will get better…when? When? I cry all the time. I can’t stand to take showers or baths because I can’t stand to see myself unclothed, I think about you touching me and it makes me physically ill. For months and months you slept with me and you hated me, you hated every minute with me and I was this stupid fool that was just so in love, and kept making excuses for you, I just thought you were stressed and I asked, and I asked and nothing, nothing from you. I don’t think a man can understand what it’s like to feel dirty, in your body. I literally feel unclean, I cannot tell you anything about my body because I haven’t looked at it in over a year. I don’t make eye contact with people because I don’t want to see how they are looking at me. Do you understand what it’s like to feel that kind of shame, that kind of disgust. I have never hated myself in my life until this, until you. You who made me think I was pretty, you who made me think I was sexy, you who made me think I was loved.
I could have gone my whole entire life without you. I was a whole person, I was a happy person. I had friends, people that I actually talked to and hung out with and I didn’t feel like shit because I was always alone. And now it’s not because I’m alone, it’s because the person that I want next to me just “wants me to be happy….with someone else” Do you know what saying this to me does. Do you understand that saying it to me just hurts more, it just lets me know, in case there was ever any doubt, that I am unloved, unwanted, undesired, un-everything.
I hate that you are the first thought on my mind every morning and the last thing on my mind every night. I absolutely despise you. You are the worst kind of person I know, I have never, ever known anyone like you in my life. I’ve known mean people, I’ve known assholes and jerks, but someone like you. Someone that uses a person. God, I don’t even know. I pray for you every night when I’m crying, every night it’s the same prayer “Dear God, please be with him, please bring peace and comfort into his life, his heart. Help him to see Lord the blessings in his life, the beauty in the simplest things. Please give him what he needs to have true happiness and to know what it is and not take it for granted.” Every night, same prayer, sometimes I pray that during the day. Sometimes I pray that first thing in the morning.
I sometimes pray for my own death. I don’t know sometimes what I want more, for you to die or me. There are times when I want it to be you, I can deal with death, it’s final. I wouldn’t ever wonder if you’re ok, if you’re hurting, I wouldn’t wonder who you’re with. Who gets to hear you play, who gets to hold your hand and make you laugh. Who gets to have all the things I wanted with you for a lifetime. if you were gone I wouldn’t have to think any of that. And then I think how unfair it would be to your family, how it would hurt your mom, how it would hurt your nieces and nephews and brother and sister. And then I wish for my own death. I want my brain to cease, because unless I am actively doing something, working, talking, running, something my mind turns to you and it’s torture. I tell myself to “stop” 100 times a day, stop thinking, stop dreaming, stop hoping. I don’t wear my seat belt anymore because i pray that I’ll be in an accident that will take my life. I don’t pay attention like I should, like i used to when I drive because I don’t want to make it anywhere safely. I worry about what my death will do to my family, how it will hurt, but they’ll be ok. My sister has her family, my mom has friends and family and she has grandchildren. My dad will struggle, just because that’s what he does. My brother, well I haven’t seen or talked to him in over a year, it won’t be too hard on him. It’d just be easier for everyone involved to not have me around.
When I was a teenager I struggled a lot, went and put myself on medicine and it helped. But I remember struggling in those days and sitting around crying hating everything about my life and wanting to die, I wanted to die back then because I was miserable, because everything just sucked, everyone said “it’ll get better”–I’m 30, and things are so much worse. Back then I wanted to die because I hurt, and now it’s because I don’t want to hurt others. I’m a terrible friend, I absolutely don’t care anymore. I don’t care about so-and-so and her husband and kid, I don’t care about so and so and her pregnancy and upcoming child. I just don’t care, I don’t have it in me to care about anyone, not even myself. But i hear it in peoples voices, I see it when they look at me, i see the messages they send about me that they think I don’t know about. I don’t want anyone to have to worry about me anymore, I don’t want them to hurt because I can’t get it together.
Life is hard, it’s totally unfair, and I just don’t see the point. I don’t see the point in anything. For me life is about and memories and having someone to share those things with. I used to day dream a lot, it was always being wealthy and having a great looking husband who was some big shot something. And then I met and fell in love with you, an dyou replaced the person in all those fantasies. I no loner wanted a guy who wore a suit, I wanted a man who sang. I no loner cared if he made a ton of money as long as he was good to me, danced with me in random moments, and took me to new places. I no longer cared about having that perfect house that all my friends have, I’d be happy with something small that we got to make into a home, something we built together. You took the place of every dream I’d had, you became exactly what I wanted, and I was nothing to you.
You’ll sit there and say how you feel bad about what you did, how you hurt because you hurt me, how you want me to be happy, how you this and that and so forth and so on. And all of it, ALL OF IT, is total bullshit. It’s the stuff you say because its “what people say”. I don’t want you to be with me because you feel bad, I truly don’t. But knowing that I’m not enough for you, that nothing about me is worth it. God you can’t know how that feels. To put yourself all of yourself out there to a person and have them reject you. It’s the most painful hurt. It’s crushing someones dreams, it’s tearing their world apart. It’s like being totally madly in love with someone and wanting to spend the rest of your life with them, it’s like walking down the aisle, being ready to commit yourself in marriage because you truly want and believe in forever and you want it with this person, and getting to the alter and having them say stop.
I’ve cried a million tears, and I’ve prayed a thousand prayers. I keep trying to do the right thing, I keep trying to be a good person, and everyday I just want to know why? Good people finish last.